may.

And just like that, I’m done.

When I say done, I mean primarily done with school. Exams have come and gone and BOY am I so thankful for that. This year kicked my ass (in a great way) and I’m ready for a new perspective, especially this summer.

I’m now toggling between life at home and packing up an apartment and it’s been pretty fun so far.

You don’t really realize how stressed you’ve been until all of it is lifted almost entirely at once. Sure, it hasn’t completely gone away, and there are a new genre of stressors to worry about (all the prep for going out of the country, etc.), but for some reason these are *insanely* preferable that those of academia.

read/reading // Finishing Hyperfocus by Chris Bailey, one of my all time faves. For a time that requires energized focus now more than ever, this book is getting me back on track.

writing // down my packing list. And trying to come up with a reasonable plan for what this space will hold in the coming months.

learning // that it isn’t going to be 100% all the time. You can’t be on all the time, you can’t be hot *all the time*, you can’t expect perfection. Sure, there are spikes of highs and lows, but what’s important is to be ever cognizant of where you are and how you’ll connect your current step to the next, and how you can do the best you can with what ya have (:

doing / working on //

  • packing! [my life up at school and bringing it back home, then from home for abroad]
  • doing design for an upcoming conference in October about teaching learning technologies!
  • PACKING for my STUDY ABROAD IN IRELAND THIS YEAR!! 😁😁😁🎉🍀
  • Going outside more and trying to be healthy
  • shaping up my portfolio
  • Recording instrumentation and vocals for the first time ever in studio for a university project [!!] I was able to work with such talented, committed people and I am so proud of the work they put forth and how it turned out!

eating // too much gelato [can’t complain!] Not enough actually healthy things. Can’t wait to get back into the flow of things before I ship out, cuz we all know that Europe may not put on the Euros but will put on the pounds *weak laughter*

drinking // yikes  Not enough water! Again! Wow! Surprise!, Peach (and lime) daiquiris, milk, and my favorite local mochas (((:

listening // to a whole host of things! Please see below: [*Disclaimer: I put the new Taylor/Brendon song on here almost ironically, let me know what y’all think, but it’s just too gosh darn catchy and I don’t know what to do now that it’s in my consciousness]

being inspired // by the weather, the art my friends are creating, and travel blogs [!!!]. Also by the athletic/fitness ventures of some of my people ^_^

laughing // at the weirdest videos I used to make as a kid.. just last night my best friend and I found some really OLD shit that I had created [for school and otherwise] and WOW what a trip down memory lane HAH.

thinking // that “life is far too simple to be complicated”. So I’m thinking that I need to simplify more. De-clutter. Drink more water. Eat less complicated things. Spend less time on social media. Not let people unworthy of your time live rent-free in one’s head. The usual. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

trying // get down to it! To re-align the goals, and focus on the positives ahead. There is so *so* much bounty right in front of me! Why let the past creep up all obnoxious-like if it’s just gonna be is detrimental to growth, to seeing the bigger and better that is the here and now [huh crazy]? And with a whole summer program and senior year ahead??

Come on Lily, get your head out of your ass.

We ain’t got time for that.

There’s a line straight out of the Compline prayer that has traversed my lips countless times:

It is night after a long day.
What has been done has been done;
what has not been done has not been done;
let it be.

It’s like John Lennon stepped into the book of common prayer y’all and slapped some sense into the evening meditation, whispering words of wisdom:

We’ve been there. We know what we know. We saw the warning signs.

We know the patterns that will likely follow (sending prayers in advance), where the line of tolerance is, where facades of character broke down, what better looks like, and the better that lies ahead, and what we need to get *done*.

Letting it be is peace.

Letting it be is freedom.

hoping // to have the time and patience to amend my taxes, finish some leftover coursework, get some more time in outside running, get back into a blogging regimen and spend more time in the sunshine (:

loving // this somewhat consistent warm weather, the absence of academic deadlines [!!!] I’ve been able to run a lot lately and it feels. So. Good!!

praying // for my friends and family, for those who are in transition right now, for those going through a tough time, for safety as I embark on these next few weeks, for patience, for those watching, for motivation and a renewed sense of purpose, for tact, and for resilience.

Here we go, May. 

Damn, I’m excited.

xx

this is what it feels like.

I fly

rebellious, jubilant, unabashedly

across four lanes

downhill in an affluent ghost town

the wind races through the hair that is woven tightly, threatening to liberate it

as I throw my arms out

like I’m at the front of my ship

the captain of my destiny, with my own Celine Dion soundtrack.

there is Jack-shit behind me.

Hovering above me are dots: gleaming balls of fire unencumbered by clouds

that I stupidly take for granted every single night

as I waste away

right on schedule

in front of synthetic blue light

searching for all that can’t be found

but I shove my world in my back pocket

until further notice

I am the captain of my time

the commander of my soul

and I give it

a much needed vacation.

hello, june

I completely missed May. But it’s fine. May was a mess.

But now it’s June. June is full of newness in my book. I can’t wait to get started.

read/reading // flipping through self help books on the following:

  • Adobe Illustrator
  • Adobe Photoshop
  • Adobe InDesign

And to have a real book in there that I’m *trying* to make progress through:

Staying Sharp: 9 Keys for a Youthful Brain through Modern Science and Ageless Wisdom by Henry Emmons, MD, and David Alter, PhD.

Oh, and the Bible. Lol.

writing // THIS post [god bless] and also about trying to rejuvenate, productivity, and staying true to myself and my content [even amongst social media turmoil >.<

learning // Adobe Creative Cloud!! 😀 [I am SO so happy about this.], how to best combine my soft skills with my hard skills, more design related things, and how to make Instagram do my bidding.

doing / working on // 

  • all of the babysitting!
  • crafting! [insert image]
  • OBTAINING DOMAINS [whaaaa???!!! yep, you guessed it– I’m now the proud mom of not one, but TWO new domains, my beloved strictlystephanie.com and stephaniewscribbles.com!
  • cleaning out my life before I move back to school!
  • working
  • running

eating // cereal, oatmeal, pasta, doughnuts, more unhealthy things, sourpatch kids, pork

drinking // water [!] coffee/lattes, adult juice

listening // to THESE RAD TUNES for JUNE! – some new, like Panic! has new songs out! But other stuff I’m re-discovering [:

laughing // at how much coffee I’ve had today

thinking // about all of the possibilities that lie before me. I literally can’t get that one song from The Greatest Showman out of my head either, the “every night I lie in bed // the brightest colors fill my head // a million dreams are keeping me awake”…. and like, it’s super cheesy but I’m trying to think about how what I’m doing fits in with where I am right now and what I’ll be pursuing this fall and I’m so. flipping. excited. [Better than sitting around at my own pity party, eh?] [;

trying // to stay positive. I will find a car that I like that is reasonably priced. I will find a car that I like that is reasonably priced. I will. Find a car. That I like. That is also reasonably priced. This whole thing is f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-n-g. [For those of you who do not know, I am on the quest of my life to find a new [used] car that won’t break the bank. My heart is set on a Volvo wagon, because I’m mildly in love with the aesthetic, there’s a shit ton of space in the back for ALL of my things, and they’re built like tanks. Fingers crossed and prayer hands folded.

hoping // …that I can find a car that I like that is reasonably priced  that I can plan out my goals in a more organized matter. I’m a bit of a hot mess right now.

loving // the recent weather [70 degrees and sunny?! After like, 2 weeks straight of rain?? *gasp*], my personal progress with this blog/other website. OH, and the fact that I just got FALL OUT BOY TIX FOR SEPTEMBER ♥ ♥ ♥ *joyful tear*

praying // for patience, understanding, focus, the motivation to sit my ass down and get real with myself and my summer goals. Oh, and that the Caps take home the cup. [;

My countdown informs me that there’s only 54 days until I move back to school.

xx

// losing *power*

I tried to do work.

But my work involves a computer and the internet and so when the whole house exhaled with that depressing bzzhhhhuurrr sound that mainly only happens in the movies when a monster is on the loose or something, I was a bit disappointed.

But it was fine.

Being cut off from all that, I sat down with myself and realized “……oh wow.”

I had recently watched a video from one of my favourite vloggers/YouTubers and this one really spoke to me.

Financially? I feel stressed because the one paying my tuition/bills/etc. is me, myself and I. I’ve worked 2 jobs in addition to going to school full time to help offset this, and will be continuing to do so, adding on a TA position this fall. We’ll see how this goes. I’m also

Mentally? I feel exhausted, because I know there’s only so many hours in the day and sometimes I just spend them on the wrong things, or doing something the hard way when there’s an easier way that I didn’t see coming. This blog series has also [not gonna lie] started to cause me stress, as I felt pressure to kind of document *e v a r y t h i n g* and I know that that’s just not realistic. [In case you’ve noticed I’ve removed the day counts from the post titles and such– dream big, then realistically downsize, right?]

Physically? Oh lordy I’m so behind. I think it’s been 2 weeks since I last worked out, my eating habits may have hit rock bottom, and I haven’t been sleeping as well as I should be, I know for sure. I should probably shower after I finish this post.

BUT ANYWAYS.

What I set out to say is that the lack of power gave me a bit of quiet time. I looked at what’s flowing in [and what’s flooding out *sob*] and then sat down to try to make a realistic budget. This also included me obtaining two new *pretty awesome* financial apps, one is called PocketGuard and the other is Mint. Between trying to scrape up funds for the summer and tuition ALL in the midst of a new [used] car hunt, it’s been driving me crazy. But it was a really good time to just sit down and think on this for a bit, a nice bit of a reality check.

Later, I went on a bit of an outing with one of my friends here and she had a bunch of clothes and stuff that she didn’t need anymore, so we took it to the local Plato’s Closet with hopes to sell it to the store. I love and hate that store. I love it because it’s such a cute selection of clothes at EXTREMELY discounted prices. I hate it also because…it’s such a cute selection of clothes at extremely discounted prices and I could do some serious damage. Luckily, they had a sale going, buy one dress get one for $1 and I walked out of there with 4 dress/things for under $20. A STEAL. It really is one of my guilty pleasures. >.<

But it also made me realize that I honestly will never buy new clothes [for the most part, anyways.] Thrifting for me is so much more fun, at a fraction of the price.

A lot of the grievances against include statements like: “ew, but that’s someone’s old clothes. They’ve like, worn that before,” the disdain oozing out through their words like the clothing is diseased.

People, I own a washer and a drying machine for a reason.

But anyways.

That being said, between scoring this awesome deal [hopefully not completely nullifying my budget in one fell swoop] and taking the time to reflect upon everything, I was able to kind of re-gain that lost power. For me, I know it has to be in my head. The positivity, the hope, the willpower– I have to be mentally psyched to move forward, and I hope I can continue to do so.

xx

adventure a day // kick-off…!

My last post, I think, was a bit jarring—both for me to write, but also to sit down and re-read. Since, I’ve done my best to adjust to the “culture shock” [I’d say] between where I am now and when I’m away from home. I also realized something. Between having a count down on my phone and my over-sized, erasable, magnetic calendar propped against my wall decorated with slashes through every passing day, I noticed that it feels like a race to get back, to get over with, to move on.

I remain conflicted.

Of course, there’s so much to look forward to when I get back to school and I honestly can’t wait for that to happen but on the same token—I don’t want this to be a throwaway summer. By any means. Part of what keeps me going is the game I play over and over with myself, day to day, year to year. The “game” consists of two questions: What do I have right now, and what can I do with it?

Right now, I have time.

Right now, I have jobs.

Right now, I have the desire to improve my design skills, to translate some German.

Right now, I can visit with friends, get some driving practice in, look for a car, visit family, eat great food, craft to my heart’s content, and surf the internet for ways to decorate my new apartment in the fall.

Right now, I have this gift of a blog and the ability to write down all of the amazing aspects of the things listed above.

It’s so tempting at times to feel trapped, lost and wandering in what I don’t have, instead of taking that necessary step back and realizing: look at all of this right here.

So.

In an attempt to shift my perspective, I’ve come up with a make-shift solution that I hope will help/allow me to practice mindfulness in the little adventures that occur every day. And so, I’ve decided to launch a bit of a blogging series of short[ish] blog posts that will *hopefully* get my fingers flying over the keyboard on this space again, get those creative juices flowing, my trains of thoughts, and allow me to share a bit of the beautiful that I have left of this summer time.

[adventure-a-day]0

I know that I’m a bit behind, [and you can bet to bajeezus that I’m going to have scheduled a ton of things and continue to schedule things but that’s just the way this adventure is gonna work itself out *shrug*] but I’ve been laying the framework for this for the past few weeks and now it’s time to take the plunge and put up all I’ve been saving [so brace yourselves.]

!!!

Needless to say, I’m excited.

There’s an adventure every day, we just have to look for it.

xx

// a quick, midnight escape

…well, a little longer than quick.

I got hardcore SURPRISED, y’all.

It seemed like I was just going to be sitting in front of my computer working all night but nope. Instead, I was whisked away to my second home by a knight in a grey Honda who drove 2 hours to see me [I mean who does that?? that’s awesome??] and spent the weekend relaxing, failing at Dark Souls, eating food, and watching The Office.

The night turned into morning and more coffee and good weather and spontaneous food trips.

I’m getting better about leaving but before we did, we celebrated the break in the rain streak and hit the university arboretum. It was gorgeous. There were turtles. It was also hot, and we ran out of water.

But what a lovely end to the day. My heart felt so full– I do love walking along in nature as is, but to walk along in nature with the people close to you and just talk honestly, unabashedly about life, about love, about skepticism… that’s what makes it for me.

I know I often like to be alone but this is one thing I know I thrive with.

xx

// a run between the raindrops

Today felt yucky.

I was putting in lots of hours and I was basically at my computer all day, stressing myself out, so I decided. I decided enough was enough and I just got up in the middle of what I was doing and got ready.

Tennis shoes. T-shirt. Jacket. Headphones.

And before I knew it, I was out the door, embarking on a run for the first time in weeks, in cool [finally!] temperatures.

Thing was, it was still raining. It had been raining like, all week, in fact. But at this point I didn’t care. I just needed to be OUT, to move my body.

I opted for my favourite running trail and ugh. Watching the trees unite in a canopy above me, their new-leaf green radiating even as the leaking clouds blocked the sun…

Something about using nature to escape [as I often do], something about coming home slightly drenched, legs sore… Something about hearing the trickling of raindrops through levels of leaves but leaving the pavement dry below you… it’s really flipping hypnotizing.

I’d love to do it again soon.

xx

// downtown, round 2 [sans tornado]

I woke up after the first best sleep I’d had since I was home, to a house of Traci, a pupper, and a grumpy cat.

Plan was to wake up, get ready on the swift side, and then go kinda nearby to pick up my other roommate from her house so we could go to breakfast.

Once we kidnapped acquired aforementioned roommate, we headed to the downtown that was now bathed in sunlight, as if nothing had happened the day before. The only traces of the torrential downpour were the filled-to-the-brim-with-water recycling bins outside of some storefronts.

We hit the diner for some MUCH needed breakfast, and chocolate chip pancakes hit the spot. We walked off our food pregnancies on a trip to a nearby coffee shop that embraced origins of a once-upon-a-time shoe shop in a really cute, funky, hipster-y way. There were piles of board games lining the bookshelves [yes bookshelves!] and some of the tables had wooden benches that were pulled up to table tops with painted checkerboard/chess board grids.

The one guy behind the counter was getting all fancy with the industrial, artisan espresso machine and once we had gotten our caffeine, we ventured around to the back where there was a “secret garden” of dainty furniture for outdoor seating + caffeine enjoyment and flowers galore.

I had to go home eventually, though, as I had some children to watch. But it was nice to escape to that little nook of a downtown, if only for a little while.

xx

 

 

 

// just a downtown tornado

I was so excited to see my roommate again, even though it had only been a week or so since we’d last seen each other. She was dog-sitting nearby and we made plans for lunch in a cute downtown. We scored free parking, and were in the middle of deliberating where we would get food when we noticed the dark clouds closing in on us.

One thing about me– I absolutely LOVE the drama of the sky. All day every day, but ESPECIALLY before a storm happens. So we took advantage of it with some pictures.

Right after these pics, however, heavy droplets started to fall and we knew we had to pick somewhere to dine, and fast.

So we ducked into the Delirium and shortly after, sheets were cascading from the sky. We had a nice window view, so we were able to see everything get blown, drenched, and obscured by the walls of water. Moments later, people’s phones started going off with Tornado Warnings– I got one for my home address and decided to call to make sure everyone was okay/preparing accordingly.

A cocktail and a meatball sub later, we took our time eating dessert as the rain subsided, hoping we could sneak out and into the garage parking before it started again.

We managed to do just that, and I rode with Traci back to the house she was dog-sitting in {close family friends of hers) where an anxious Labrador pupper was waiting there for us. She could barely contain her excitement and when we let her outside, we were greeted with the most vibrant violet sky + rainbow combo I’ve seen in a while.

xx

// mothers day and a home away from home

I don’t think I ever realized how much I enjoyed the serenity of my grandmother’s house, nestled between two bodies of water.

It’d been a while, me being away at school and everything, but I don’t think I could ever forget the way her face lights up when we walk in, when she finally has someone to actually talk to.

She shows us the new litter of kittens that came in the early spring, we convince her to stay out of the kitchen, and I can’t ignore her gorgeous flowers.

We eat like champions and top it off with her/my mom’s favourite dessert of yellow cake and chocolate icing, accompanied by the usual college interrogation [I know they’re just curious about my life but JEEEEZ sometimes it’s overwhelming] by the extended family that has now spread to my middle brother, especially as he released the news he’d be joining me in the fall.

It made me think about the time ahead, how when everything gets hectic I should stop and picture my grandmother’s, the small waves that lap against the pebbles and the gentle swans that wade across the creek like they own it, the way I can just roam around her acres far away from the traffic of the normal road, speeding down the long, continuous slope that is her driveway on a scooter. [Doing so, I’m reminded of the time I tried to walk a dachsund and ride a Razor at the same time. It didn’t go so well.]

I went home full of food, full of motherly love, and exTREMELY tired.

xx