On Life, The Present, and Stuff

…And this is why I can’t do blog challenges XD

I lack persistence! And just… stuff gets in the way. *sigh*

Well

It’s been a while… and I am continually surprised at how quickly things change. Too quickly, it seems…

I think one thing that brings me to the computer tonight is the very recent death of a classmate of mine.

Just now a freshman at UVA and 18 years old, he was destined for success. Recipient of both academic and swimming accolades, he was very intelligent and loved by his friends.  He sat two seats away from me in AB Calculus last year, and also dated one of my close friends.

I learned last night that he died in his sleep due to a seizure.

Though I was not close with him, my friend was, and all she could seem to do was replay the last not-so-nice parts of their relationship in her head and wish that she had let him know she meant none of it.  She wondered if he felt sad, that he would never go to college, never marry, never have children.
I felt her sadness.
She told me she attended church last night and one of her close family friends who she ran into by chance asked her what she was doing there and at that, she broke down. She told me she and her family friend ended up praying together and that somehow she knew, the guy would be all right. “He’s getting a front row seat to Jesus’ birthday party,” she told me on our way to work today. I agreed, saying that heaven had indeed gained another angel.

But her thoughts lingered in my thoughts.  I got to thinking about life and death, the before and after.  Can the dead feel disappointment? Do the good that do die young feel sadness that they are no longer with their mortal lives and loved ones? Do the departed get a chance at a holier, even better life with the Big Man Upstairs?

When I was younger I was fascinated with stories that proclaimed people had seen heaven. It’s a mysterious place, and, depending on one’s religion, it’s sometimes hard to buy into.

There are times when I wish I had an answer– What exactly is there after death? Why even do the good die young? Better yet, why must the young die?

What ever the answers to those questions, I do know one thing. Sometimes, we get caught up in the “stuff”. The things, the bling, the clothing, the work, the time.  I am… probably the biggest hypocrite and probably shouldn’t be preaching this…. but I’m serious.
I want to slow things down, make the connections that are important.
With family.
With friends.
With strangers, even.
Because sometimes, all to fast, it’s gone. And with my classmate, it wasn’t his fault at all– it’s unfair that he passed. Completely. But it just goes to show how fragile life is, and how we shouldn’t trade, sell, or pass up any moment for anything.

This holiday season, do something for me. Love a little greater, laugh a little harder, thank-you a little genuine-er…  I can bet you I’ll be doing the same. ❤

 

[deteriorating]

Ever feel like your head is about to explode?

That’s me as of late.

I don’t know why everything decides to crash in all at once, but it does.

I haven’t written since August… that makes me sad ): I just wish I had time. Well, I do have time.  I just… spend it elsewhere. It’s always elsewhere. When I wish I could spend it here. Sometimes I wish I could just take a breather from all the deadlines and the grades and the activity and just come here, and pour a bit of my tension and soul here on the screen.

Right now, it seems like a conflict of interest. College applications (early action, anyways) are due at the end of this week, rehearsals won’t stop, homework won’t either… I’m plagued with social issues that I wish I could get over, I feel like I barely talk to J, and my mother seems to be guilting me every chance she gets. (typical teen girl thing to say, right?)

And it feels like one more sleepless night, one more breakdown of the outer shell, one more person criticizing my every move may do it in for me.

As much as I try to stay afloat, my life preserver drifts away from me. She says I never smile any more. I’ve noticed, and it’s like I’m losing touch with all I used to love. This year is bear, and as I write this I dread waking up tomorrow.

I should sleep, I need to be places early.

But I can’t.

I feel like going on a rampage through my assignments, completing them with little care and throwing them aside in a massive DONE pile. But when the TO-DO pile is larger than I am…

And re-reading this I feel like a messed-up, angsty teenager. Rebellious and nervous and angry and jealous and sad and unworthy and reckless.

I just got home from a night out with friends. On a Tuesday. *insert mother criticism here*. I should be happy. I was happy.

What happened?

Since when do I spend more time in solemn silence than in laughter?

I just want to know that this numbness isn’t permanent, that it’ll go away, that I’ll be able to leap over it and turn around and laugh at it later.

Is that too much to ask?

~