the blog purge: to delete or not to delete?

Holy guacamole.

I just wrote a post about risking it  — you know, being bold in your endeavors, jumping off the deep end when necessary, starting over, finding clarity, yada yada.

On a bit of a whim today, I sat down and realized that there’s a bit more that I’d like to do with this blog. And while I’m still floating some ideas and settling into that game-plan, I did realize that I would be faced with a decision:

to keep the old blog posts?

…or to delete them forever?

And I went a bit back and forth on this for a bit. I have seen countless blogs that I follow, and even people who don’t have traditional blogs, delete a bunch of old content because it was either too angsty [me] too cringe-worthy [also me], too personal, [HA ME hands down], or just straight up not really reflective of what they wanted/want to accomplish.

I will say this– for the most part, I was against purging all those old posts. I could look back on them, look at my angsty self and see the growth unveiled with every scroll right before my eyes. I also kind of took it to heart as a bit of a badge, a smol medal saying “look, I’m authentic!”

But now?

[SPOILER ALERT: I’ll get right to it, I deleted everything before 2014. LOL]

But. In case you’re wondering [which you very may well not be, lol, I don’t gotta justify myself and you don’t either 😛 ] here’s why I did it, along with some challenges I thought about in the process:

Your post don’t have to be gone. I made the decision to just get them off this space. For sure, they could live in some file on my computer if I wanted [though I don’t really feel like doing that.] However, if you do ever want to go strolling down memory lane, then keeping those posts in a separate place could be a nice alternative.

But what about all those likes/comments/followers etc? Meh. I dunno. Over the years I’ve come to realize that this really is my space, the content I have is reflective of myself, and if I lose a few nice words [thank you to all you beautiful blogger friends, btw ♥ ] in the process… well, I will take a moment of silence and then proceed onward. Plus, I don’t really buy into the whole “how many likes??!!???” chaos that just distorts feelings of self-worth anyways.

You’ve changed so much. Why shouldn’t your blog? I can’t tell you how many re-models this thing has had. That being said, this space, like myself, is evolving. I will get new inspiration, new ideas, new skills [that I can actually put into practice here on this blog *YAY*] that better reflect me and my goals.

…and what about authenticity? LOL. So I’m gonna let you in on a little secret here. This blog, which is now an incredible FIVE YEARS OLD [??!!???] literally used to be a virtual diary about my outings, my dying pets, and struggles with productivity. Not like that’s all non-authentic stuff [it totally is!] it was just so full of bad grammar choices, fluff-words, and irrelevancy. I’d much rather have original, raw content that’s written [at least a little bit correct]  well and not accompanied by 2.4 mega pixel photos, ya feel me? 😛 [Though FYI I did leave stuff from 3 years ago because I got tired of weeding some stuff out, I’ll save that for another day].

There is totally such a thing as blogging baggage. And seeing as I’m in a really, really recent realm of “new”, breaking out of old habits and forming new ones, forging connections and blazing paths I previously thought were out of reach… you better bet I don’t want to be reminded of some of the clutter. I’d much rather sort through the clutter, acknowledge its existence, learn from it, and then promptly send it off somewhere to get recycled and transformed into something new. [:
That being said, I’d like to take a more purposeful [albeit personal!] direction with this blog [leaning towards something more relevant to lifestyle…??], so as I’m zero-ing in on what that is, I would love it if you left some comments with ideas, pieces of your blogging journey, things that have helped you find your place as a blogger, etc.! It’s hard because recently I’ve been working on some pretty big things over at stephaniewscribbles.com and I’m just trying to figure out the role this personal blog might play. It’s five years near-and-dear to my heart so I don’t think I want to abandon it *quite* yet… 😛

Cheers to everyone who has been with me since the angsty days of 2013 [you are all God-sends and blessings through the tumult lol] cheers to those who are still going strong, cheers to those who I’ve just recently been able to connect with and explore with, and cheers to those who, like me, are walking a new path in their blogging journey–because that’s dedication, man. [:

xx

 

 

hello, june

I completely missed May. But it’s fine. May was a mess.

But now it’s June. June is full of newness in my book. I can’t wait to get started.

read/reading // flipping through self help books on the following:

  • Adobe Illustrator
  • Adobe Photoshop
  • Adobe InDesign

And to have a real book in there that I’m *trying* to make progress through:

Staying Sharp: 9 Keys for a Youthful Brain through Modern Science and Ageless Wisdom by Henry Emmons, MD, and David Alter, PhD.

Oh, and the Bible. Lol.

writing // THIS post [god bless] and also about trying to rejuvenate, productivity, and staying true to myself and my content [even amongst social media turmoil >.<

learning // Adobe Creative Cloud!! 😀 [I am SO so happy about this.], how to best combine my soft skills with my hard skills, more design related things, and how to make Instagram do my bidding.

doing / working on // 

  • all of the babysitting!
  • crafting! [insert image]
  • OBTAINING DOMAINS [whaaaa???!!! yep, you guessed it– I’m now the proud mom of not one, but TWO new domains, my beloved strictlystephanie.com and stephaniewscribbles.com!
  • cleaning out my life before I move back to school!
  • working
  • running

eating // cereal, oatmeal, pasta, doughnuts, more unhealthy things, sourpatch kids, pork

drinking // water [!] coffee/lattes, adult juice

listening // to THESE RAD TUNES for JUNE! – some new, like Panic! has new songs out! But other stuff I’m re-discovering [:

laughing // at how much coffee I’ve had today

thinking // about all of the possibilities that lie before me. I literally can’t get that one song from The Greatest Showman out of my head either, the “every night I lie in bed // the brightest colors fill my head // a million dreams are keeping me awake”…. and like, it’s super cheesy but I’m trying to think about how what I’m doing fits in with where I am right now and what I’ll be pursuing this fall and I’m so. flipping. excited. [Better than sitting around at my own pity party, eh?] [;

trying // to stay positive. I will find a car that I like that is reasonably priced. I will find a car that I like that is reasonably priced. I will. Find a car. That I like. That is also reasonably priced. This whole thing is f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-n-g. [For those of you who do not know, I am on the quest of my life to find a new [used] car that won’t break the bank. My heart is set on a Volvo wagon, because I’m mildly in love with the aesthetic, there’s a shit ton of space in the back for ALL of my things, and they’re built like tanks. Fingers crossed and prayer hands folded.

hoping // …that I can find a car that I like that is reasonably priced  that I can plan out my goals in a more organized matter. I’m a bit of a hot mess right now.

loving // the recent weather [70 degrees and sunny?! After like, 2 weeks straight of rain?? *gasp*], my personal progress with this blog/other website. OH, and the fact that I just got FALL OUT BOY TIX FOR SEPTEMBER ♥ ♥ ♥ *joyful tear*

praying // for patience, understanding, focus, the motivation to sit my ass down and get real with myself and my summer goals. Oh, and that the Caps take home the cup. [;

My countdown informs me that there’s only 54 days until I move back to school.

xx

// the mosaic district + ignited passions

I couldn’t have asked for better weather today, nor could I have asked for better company. I had the privilege of spending a day with one of my original amigas who now goes to school very far away from me in NY.

But she is here for a breath of summer and I couldn’t wait to go hit up this cool shopping district. She picked me up first and greeted me with a hug and a belated birthday present [she’s got killer taste and should probably be a professional gift giver because I was truly delighted but you know *shrug* (: ]

We combated lunch-hour traffic and finally found ourselves in the parking garage under the Target.

I’ll start by saying they had the most aesthetic Target I think I’ve ever seen, with an escalator for the shopping carts, so many windows for a stunning vista [over the mini cityscape] and a very established Pride apparel sections. It was fantastic.

We realized that we were starving, and decided to hit up the rustic-looking Italian place across the street. They had a great pizza deal going on there so we scored that.

Next was a pit-stop at the gelato place down the street– we mixed some chocolate flavors with lemon and passion fruit and it was surprisingly summery and delectable!

To nurse our food pregnancies we strolled around some more and eventually ended up at a PaperSource store and OH. MY GOD. It was a boutique basically for crafting and paper making related things, and seeing all of the paper and the envelopes and the writing tools and the journals and the ribbon…ETC… it just made me feel like I had to start crafting again. Which sent me on a binge a couple days later, to re-vamp my portfolio website, and create a couple new items in the meantime! So, super pumped a about that.

The sun was pretty high in the sky at this point, on the verge of its descent so we left the district to go home.

It’s so great how, even after being so far away from some people, you can literally just be in the same room, jump in the same car, and then everything just picks up as if no time had passed.

xx

// losing *power*

I tried to do work.

But my work involves a computer and the internet and so when the whole house exhaled with that depressing bzzhhhhuurrr sound that mainly only happens in the movies when a monster is on the loose or something, I was a bit disappointed.

But it was fine.

Being cut off from all that, I sat down with myself and realized “……oh wow.”

I had recently watched a video from one of my favourite vloggers/YouTubers and this one really spoke to me.

Financially? I feel stressed because the one paying my tuition/bills/etc. is me, myself and I. I’ve worked 2 jobs in addition to going to school full time to help offset this, and will be continuing to do so, adding on a TA position this fall. We’ll see how this goes. I’m also

Mentally? I feel exhausted, because I know there’s only so many hours in the day and sometimes I just spend them on the wrong things, or doing something the hard way when there’s an easier way that I didn’t see coming. This blog series has also [not gonna lie] started to cause me stress, as I felt pressure to kind of document *e v a r y t h i n g* and I know that that’s just not realistic. [In case you’ve noticed I’ve removed the day counts from the post titles and such– dream big, then realistically downsize, right?]

Physically? Oh lordy I’m so behind. I think it’s been 2 weeks since I last worked out, my eating habits may have hit rock bottom, and I haven’t been sleeping as well as I should be, I know for sure. I should probably shower after I finish this post.

BUT ANYWAYS.

What I set out to say is that the lack of power gave me a bit of quiet time. I looked at what’s flowing in [and what’s flooding out *sob*] and then sat down to try to make a realistic budget. This also included me obtaining two new *pretty awesome* financial apps, one is called PocketGuard and the other is Mint. Between trying to scrape up funds for the summer and tuition ALL in the midst of a new [used] car hunt, it’s been driving me crazy. But it was a really good time to just sit down and think on this for a bit, a nice bit of a reality check.

Later, I went on a bit of an outing with one of my friends here and she had a bunch of clothes and stuff that she didn’t need anymore, so we took it to the local Plato’s Closet with hopes to sell it to the store. I love and hate that store. I love it because it’s such a cute selection of clothes at EXTREMELY discounted prices. I hate it also because…it’s such a cute selection of clothes at extremely discounted prices and I could do some serious damage. Luckily, they had a sale going, buy one dress get one for $1 and I walked out of there with 4 dress/things for under $20. A STEAL. It really is one of my guilty pleasures. >.<

But it also made me realize that I honestly will never buy new clothes [for the most part, anyways.] Thrifting for me is so much more fun, at a fraction of the price.

A lot of the grievances against include statements like: “ew, but that’s someone’s old clothes. They’ve like, worn that before,” the disdain oozing out through their words like the clothing is diseased.

People, I own a washer and a drying machine for a reason.

But anyways.

That being said, between scoring this awesome deal [hopefully not completely nullifying my budget in one fell swoop] and taking the time to reflect upon everything, I was able to kind of re-gain that lost power. For me, I know it has to be in my head. The positivity, the hope, the willpower– I have to be mentally psyched to move forward, and I hope I can continue to do so.

xx

// a quick, midnight escape

…well, a little longer than quick.

I got hardcore SURPRISED, y’all.

It seemed like I was just going to be sitting in front of my computer working all night but nope. Instead, I was whisked away to my second home by a knight in a grey Honda who drove 2 hours to see me [I mean who does that?? that’s awesome??] and spent the weekend relaxing, failing at Dark Souls, eating food, and watching The Office.

The night turned into morning and more coffee and good weather and spontaneous food trips.

I’m getting better about leaving but before we did, we celebrated the break in the rain streak and hit the university arboretum. It was gorgeous. There were turtles. It was also hot, and we ran out of water.

But what a lovely end to the day. My heart felt so full– I do love walking along in nature as is, but to walk along in nature with the people close to you and just talk honestly, unabashedly about life, about love, about skepticism… that’s what makes it for me.

I know I often like to be alone but this is one thing I know I thrive with.

xx

// a run between the raindrops

Today felt yucky.

I was putting in lots of hours and I was basically at my computer all day, stressing myself out, so I decided. I decided enough was enough and I just got up in the middle of what I was doing and got ready.

Tennis shoes. T-shirt. Jacket. Headphones.

And before I knew it, I was out the door, embarking on a run for the first time in weeks, in cool [finally!] temperatures.

Thing was, it was still raining. It had been raining like, all week, in fact. But at this point I didn’t care. I just needed to be OUT, to move my body.

I opted for my favourite running trail and ugh. Watching the trees unite in a canopy above me, their new-leaf green radiating even as the leaking clouds blocked the sun…

Something about using nature to escape [as I often do], something about coming home slightly drenched, legs sore… Something about hearing the trickling of raindrops through levels of leaves but leaving the pavement dry below you… it’s really flipping hypnotizing.

I’d love to do it again soon.

xx

// downtown, round 2 [sans tornado]

I woke up after the first best sleep I’d had since I was home, to a house of Traci, a pupper, and a grumpy cat.

Plan was to wake up, get ready on the swift side, and then go kinda nearby to pick up my other roommate from her house so we could go to breakfast.

Once we kidnapped acquired aforementioned roommate, we headed to the downtown that was now bathed in sunlight, as if nothing had happened the day before. The only traces of the torrential downpour were the filled-to-the-brim-with-water recycling bins outside of some storefronts.

We hit the diner for some MUCH needed breakfast, and chocolate chip pancakes hit the spot. We walked off our food pregnancies on a trip to a nearby coffee shop that embraced origins of a once-upon-a-time shoe shop in a really cute, funky, hipster-y way. There were piles of board games lining the bookshelves [yes bookshelves!] and some of the tables had wooden benches that were pulled up to table tops with painted checkerboard/chess board grids.

The one guy behind the counter was getting all fancy with the industrial, artisan espresso machine and once we had gotten our caffeine, we ventured around to the back where there was a “secret garden” of dainty furniture for outdoor seating + caffeine enjoyment and flowers galore.

I had to go home eventually, though, as I had some children to watch. But it was nice to escape to that little nook of a downtown, if only for a little while.

xx

 

 

 

// just a downtown tornado

I was so excited to see my roommate again, even though it had only been a week or so since we’d last seen each other. She was dog-sitting nearby and we made plans for lunch in a cute downtown. We scored free parking, and were in the middle of deliberating where we would get food when we noticed the dark clouds closing in on us.

One thing about me– I absolutely LOVE the drama of the sky. All day every day, but ESPECIALLY before a storm happens. So we took advantage of it with some pictures.

Right after these pics, however, heavy droplets started to fall and we knew we had to pick somewhere to dine, and fast.

So we ducked into the Delirium and shortly after, sheets were cascading from the sky. We had a nice window view, so we were able to see everything get blown, drenched, and obscured by the walls of water. Moments later, people’s phones started going off with Tornado Warnings– I got one for my home address and decided to call to make sure everyone was okay/preparing accordingly.

A cocktail and a meatball sub later, we took our time eating dessert as the rain subsided, hoping we could sneak out and into the garage parking before it started again.

We managed to do just that, and I rode with Traci back to the house she was dog-sitting in {close family friends of hers) where an anxious Labrador pupper was waiting there for us. She could barely contain her excitement and when we let her outside, we were greeted with the most vibrant violet sky + rainbow combo I’ve seen in a while.

xx

// mothers day and a home away from home

I don’t think I ever realized how much I enjoyed the serenity of my grandmother’s house, nestled between two bodies of water.

It’d been a while, me being away at school and everything, but I don’t think I could ever forget the way her face lights up when we walk in, when she finally has someone to actually talk to.

She shows us the new litter of kittens that came in the early spring, we convince her to stay out of the kitchen, and I can’t ignore her gorgeous flowers.

We eat like champions and top it off with her/my mom’s favourite dessert of yellow cake and chocolate icing, accompanied by the usual college interrogation [I know they’re just curious about my life but JEEEEZ sometimes it’s overwhelming] by the extended family that has now spread to my middle brother, especially as he released the news he’d be joining me in the fall.

It made me think about the time ahead, how when everything gets hectic I should stop and picture my grandmother’s, the small waves that lap against the pebbles and the gentle swans that wade across the creek like they own it, the way I can just roam around her acres far away from the traffic of the normal road, speeding down the long, continuous slope that is her driveway on a scooter. [Doing so, I’m reminded of the time I tried to walk a dachsund and ride a Razor at the same time. It didn’t go so well.]

I went home full of food, full of motherly love, and exTREMELY tired.

xx

// lost in the green

Suspended in slow motion, it didn’t matter what we ate for breakfast. The mochas were fantastic.

We ventured out near a stream that I didn’t know existed anywhere near your apartment. But it did, and there was a waterfall. I felt a little bad intruding, the taste of artificial paper mango on my lips, in my lungs.

We didn’t have much time because we had to get back on the road, but it was okay because the waiting was worth it. Oh, so worth it.

We opted for an album on the way back. Remind me what it was.

I know I got a little sad when you drove away but it’s fine– obligations were calling our names and it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow.

Shoot, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. How can I express all the love I have for the mother and grandmother in my life when I don’t even have an idea yet? When all they do for me is priceless and there’s no way I could repay them?

I made two cards.

I hope they’ll understand.

xx