// mothers day and a home away from home

I don’t think I ever realized how much I enjoyed the serenity of my grandmother’s house, nestled between two bodies of water.

It’d been a while, me being away at school and everything, but I don’t think I could ever forget the way her face lights up when we walk in, when she finally has someone to actually talk to.

She shows us the new litter of kittens that came in the early spring, we convince her to stay out of the kitchen, and I can’t ignore her gorgeous flowers.

We eat like champions and top it off with her/my mom’s favourite dessert of yellow cake and chocolate icing, accompanied by the usual college interrogation [I know they’re just curious about my life but JEEEEZ sometimes it’s overwhelming] by the extended family that has now spread to my middle brother, especially as he released the news he’d be joining me in the fall.

It made me think about the time ahead, how when everything gets hectic I should stop and picture my grandmother’s, the small waves that lap against the pebbles and the gentle swans that wade across the creek like they own it, the way I can just roam around her acres far away from the traffic of the normal road, speeding down the long, continuous slope that is her driveway on a scooter. [Doing so, I’m reminded of the time I tried to walk a dachsund and ride a Razor at the same time. It didn’t go so well.]

I went home full of food, full of motherly love, and exTREMELY tired.

xx

// lost in the green

Suspended in slow motion, it didn’t matter what we ate for breakfast. The mochas were fantastic.

We ventured out near a stream that I didn’t know existed anywhere near your apartment. But it did, and there was a waterfall. I felt a little bad intruding, the taste of artificial paper mango on my lips, in my lungs.

We didn’t have much time because we had to get back on the road, but it was okay because the waiting was worth it. Oh, so worth it.

We opted for an album on the way back. Remind me what it was.

I know I got a little sad when you drove away but it’s fine– obligations were calling our names and it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow.

Shoot, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. How can I express all the love I have for the mother and grandmother in my life when I don’t even have an idea yet? When all they do for me is priceless and there’s no way I could repay them?

I made two cards.

I hope they’ll understand.

xx

// the so-much-happened-i-can-hardly-contemplate-it day

I waited all week for this day.

I waited all week
to sip dirty chais in your company in that wooden box of a lobby, only to ditch it minutes later to show you the splendor of the day ahead of us.

I waited all week
to stroll along the river, buzzing with excitement, excitement to take you past the river banks and discover a path I had not yet taken.

I waited all week
to duck into the local Toys R Us spontaneously because they were having a ridiculous store-closing sale and your mother needed something cute and quirky for her birthday.

I waited all week
to speed down a winding road under a canopy of new-leaf green, your voice blaring through the speakers, the wind completely destroying all previous efforts I had made with my hair.

I waited all week
to be blessed with some of the most delicious BBQ tingling my tongue as the ducks waddled around and the water lapped against the pillars of the bridge, waterside accompanied by the soft, gravely voice covering the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I waited all week
to see the joy in your face when you introduced me to one of your best friends.

I waited all week
to have you in a car to myself, smiling in the driver’s seat over at me, riding down the highway with a determination to listen to an album in its entirety.

I waited. All week. To throw down my things beside your door and eat our usual late night snack to the humor of The Office.

I waited all week
for you.

xx

// interview part 2, electric boogalo

Another day of purpose.

I think I mentioned earlier about how my summer was not unfolding at all how I thought it would… so the fact that I was getting back on track to financial recovery with some hard-core babysitting plans was good enough for me. It is a summer of making money, y’all. Tuition won’t pay for itself. […Neither will a car, for that matter.]

This gig though, was super special. Not only did it pay well, but it was an infant I would be watching, and I met her mother. The baby has the cutest “stink-face” and I just can’t get over how mesmerizing her steely eyes are.

It’s definitely been a bit since I’ve watched children that young, and even a bigger bit since my siblings were that age. However I still found myself being struck with that wave of baby-cuteness [the kind that makes you think that settling down to have kids isn’t so bad after all].

I was given the instructions/updates/information [all I’d need to know about caring for this specific infant] over a caramel latte in a quaint coffee/fro-yo shop [that I used to work at when it was all neon and sketchy….!] that is the hipster spot on the block.

Coffee and baby cuteness?

Yes please.

xx

// an attempt at normalcy and big-girl planning

I wanted to space out my “adventures” this week [some are more just “ventures” than “adventures,” I’ll admit, but *shrug*].

I also think it keeps me from being overwhelmed, both in terms of job-related work and mental clarity. This way, I can get my personal assisting hours in, potentially babysitting hours, and then pop in an adventure here and there.

I think I like it that way.

It’s pretty bad to say, but I found that the only time I found myself in the library on my campus was to study for exams [midterm/finals].

Oh, and to blog, strangely enough.

This fall I’ll be fortunate to have a job at the top of this LOVELY modern and SLEEK library that might as well be all windows, on the 5th floor, with a gorgeous view.

But anyways.

Because going to the library is something I mainly only do when I’m at school, I took *another* zen bike ride, this time to the library, to check out some books on graphic design/various Adobe programs so I could prep myself better for the school year.

I got the books, but I ended up making a list of all the things I wanted to do this summer, making goals in my planner, and coming up with this blog series idea.

I fed my mind with possibilities, my spirit with hope, and my body with water because biking after going months without doing it honestly is a bit of a breathless struggle sometimes.

xx

// tuesday blues <<< interviews

I woke up excited.

One of the first posts I wrote upon arriving home still lingers in the back of my mind. For me, it marks the lowest point for me in terms of feeling out of place, ill-adjusted, and ultimately homesick. It also lingers in my mind because I realized I had written some of those words out of thinking reactively, instead of proactively.

Let me tell you, it is *very* easy to sit all by your lonesome, scrolling through highlight reels amidst what is perceived to be the unrelenting mess of your room life, doing nothing but examining everything that is wrong under the microscope.

Today changed that.

I knew, when I arrived home from school, that this summer was going to be a working summer. I wanted my own car and I knew that I would have to make that money happen.

So flash forward to today when I got to interview with a local mom regarding the watching of her kids. She referred me to her sister-in-law when I wasn’t looking and so a two-for-one kinda snuck up on me. Sure, it’s a lot of children but it’s also some padding for my bank account.

The biggest thing for me was the feeling of waking up and having some place to be. Knowing that you have a commitment that doesn’t include wallowing on your bed in self pity wondering how in the world you’re going to make finances work for the next year and a half.

We met in a coffee shop, after her little ones had gotten home from school.

She was so chill, her kids were so sweet and cute [one even has this INCREDIBLE pouty/grumpy face and I can already tell it’s going to be hard to rein that in times of trouble].

I rambled about my experience [having a big family did make me qualified!], my hours, my desired payrate I don’t like talking about charging people ahhh it makes me uncomfortable, but I did it yay and would I come over to kind of do a trial-run, to see if the kids hated me or not :< [lol], and would I meet with her sister-in-law later in the week to discuss what her childcare needs were, etc.

And I got coffee.

…which got me GOING for the rest of the day.

[I like feeling productive, if you couldn’t tell.]

I finished the day with old work friends at a bowling alley and, for a few hours, I felt like I was actually sinking into summer.

[:

xx

// memory lane, kind of

I know I mentioned feeling trapped upon being home. But OH BOY I don’t think that compares to the feeling of walking into my old high school.

I feel like so many people view their high school days as memorable and awesome and smile when they think on them, but honestly I tend to view that time [with some exceptions] as a pitstop, an obstacle course, a chapter of a book that you know you really won’t open again [my deepest apologies to those poor books I’ve forsaken over the years ],: ].

That being said, I found myself there on a Monday, a 20 minute zen-like bike trip later, making my way downtown, walking fast, faces past  through the hallways, trying to avoid the young-uns and some teachers… I was there to give a little snippet about a summer program I had done when I was a junior in high school to the potential candidates of this particular German class, and to update my amazing German teacher on all of the German-related college things I was picking up.

I also stopped by my old choir classroom, where the top choir was rehearsing. I saw a few familiar faces and enjoyed witnessing a rehearsal of an acapella cover of a Star Wars score medley, but then I realized I was making myself feel old and kind of like I had no life, so I left pretty much after that [when do you legit stop visiting your old high school? I think I’ve hit that point so I’m just gonna….not anymore, you feel me? Lol].

When I left, I realized a couple things:

  • I don’t know how I would feel being a teacher, as I’d often aspired to be. You’re in a school for the rest of your life… but at the same time, you do get to teach something you’re passionate about and help some kids along the way. And if that’s something that makes you happy, it’s totally worth it.
  • The inevitable self-growth I’ve experienced.
  • High schoolers are reaaaaally Or maybe that’s just me. But I feel like I was a lot more chill than the ones I got to indirectly observe for 3 hours.
  • I only really had a few core-experiences in high school, classroom-wise. English, German, and Choir. I feel like those classes summed up my development and self-growth in that time.
  • There are people EVERYWHERE and because I’m short I’m pretty sure I blend right in.

I thought about this on my ride home.

Sometimes I think it helps to have experiences like this. Whether it’s hanging around an unnecessarily long amount of time at your old high school or coming home and hitting a mental brick wall of cognitive dissonance that blatantly points out the fact that where you started is by no means where you have ended up. For that, I’m thankful.

I got a snapshot of who I was, and an image that is slowly focusing in on where I’m going.

I also got a hell of a workout.

xx