scrambling.

You know what’s crazy?

How much can pass in such a condensed amount of time.

Recently I’ve been scrambling. I’ve been scrambling to class, scrambling to work, scrambling to show up.

Scrambling to please, scrambling to “prove myself”, scrambling to figure out just what exactly is going on.

It’s hard to believe that all it took was a meeting for coffee in which I ordered nothing and a sermon quite clearly calling me out on my lack of peace that threw a wrench into all of this scrambling.

I’ve saved so much in the way of Instagram posts from uplifting accounts and inspiration from friends and others and there’s one that comes to mind right now:

Sometimes we forget that we totally have the capability to, much like walking through a store and deciding we don’t want an item, put it back on the shelf… and then just walk away.

Just like that.

Of course, I’ve had this told to me countless times before, and if anything has jumped out at me these past few months, it’s that this stuff isn’t easy. Sometimes we can’t just decide we don’t want it, put it back on the shelf, and then go check out.

It may take a couple dips in and out of the shopping basket, some brief bouts of hesitation, just as it’s out of the confines of the hand-held plastic before we decide.

And sometimes, hell, it takes us all the way up to the fricking check out line, we we literally put it on the conveyer belt and then realize “SHIT I actually can’t afford this anymore??¿¿”

I’ve been there. In the snacks aisle. Losing a battle to garden salsa SunChips. Putting them back and taking them back and putting them back again. Or taking them and then realizing “whoops” and then putting them somewhere completely different than the snack aisle oops I know I’m terrible *wince*.

But no matter how many of these hard stops I’ve made…I realize every single time that I’m not alone. That this isn’t all happening in a vacuum. It’s so hard, putting stuff back on the shelf eventually but let me tell you the end result is *so* fricking rewarding.

So fun story.

My priest actually talked about laying our dark sticky at the foot of the cross and then coming back saying “oh wait, but I need this part!” Earlier on in the day I listened to another sermon devoting to loving our enemy. …And when I couldn’t hold back tears from hard-core relating to the second sermon that day, I knew it was time.

I knew it was time to just stop, collect my thoughts and events and sort through everything I had within my heart and my head one last time, organize the hell out of it, realize what I did and didn’t need, and put it away.

I’ve no doubt that the urge to re-open will come again, that the urge to sneak back a bit of forgiveness will bite at my ankles… but I know that what has brought me to this very moment is so much stronger than those urges.

At the start of this year, I felt unstoppable. Everything felt new. Alive. I willed it into vibrant being. I even sauntered into a coffee shop confrontation to triumphantly “assert my dominance”. Crazy.

It didn’t stop there. I pared down my closet. Tremendously. I laid the framework for minimalist choices that have, in the long run, saved me much time and money.

I built up daily habits that didn’t actually actively work to destroy my body, such as drinking water every morning, shutting my phone off to airplane mode and keeping it on that mode until I was completely ready and walking out the door for the day the next morning.

I gave up coffee for a solid week and a half.

I took stock of my pantry and have tried to only eat what was inside it before I bought anything else. It was simplification calling my name, a desire to just rid my life of clutter I didn’t need anymore.

With spring (hopefully?) approaching and the looming time difference looming I realize that there’s so much power in the “starting over” vibe that we get with new seasons, new years, new months, new weeks, even new days. It makes me cognizant of the fact that there is always a “now”, there is always a time we can shed some light on where we are currently. It’s easy to say we can “just choose happiness!”

Sometimes that’s…not the easiest. I can tell you there’s something to be said for being addicted to sadness.

But what we can do is observe. Notice our beautiful, love-giving friends. Take note of a nice day. Smile back at someone. Offer to help with something. Contemplate in silence. Rediscover something you used to love.

But whatever small thing it takes to help us move out of that place of feeling stuck? Try to nudge it. Try to pick it, see where it leads. We fall down, so ridiculously hard sometimes. I can pinpoint two moments in the past 30 days where I was like “yep wow okay so uhh… *that?Whatever that was?* Needs to never happen again.”

We can learn from those times. As disgusting and squirmy as they may be, we *can* brush ourselves off, give it a whopping “yikes,” reconcile, say thank you, and keep stepping forward.

xx