I’m not gonna lie.

The past 3 months have definitely been a journey. Not only have they had me question everything about myself, they’ve thrown me so many obstacles that I believed I wasn’t ready for.

I was ready, though. I was there and present and had the underlying intention of learning, of moving forward, even if I failed to recognize it at the time.

This massive shift, however, hasn’t been a simple bridge to the other side. If anything, it was the exact opposite. I felt myself becoming a shell of myself. I felt myself moving on autopilot, out of control and without direction. I fell into old, less-than-great habits and unhealthy patterns.

But isn’t that how it works?
it has to get worse before it gets better.

And I would beat myself up for even getting there in the first place.

But the thing is– we’re human. Shit happens. We fall down. It’s how we choose to proceed that makes all the difference.

Amidst some of the bad habits, however, I re-discovered some good ones.
Writing here, getting out more, reconnecting with people, getting outside, and reading more– all things I see as steps in the right direction.

I don’t think I’ll go as far to say as I’ve hit the 1/4 life crises mark, but there was definitely a point in time where I just needed to STOP.

To make time for myself.

To re-align myself.

To take stock of everything on the table.

One of the things that’ts helped me do this is my 2nd bible [outside of the official one]– Chris Bailey’s Productivity Project. 

For some reason, reading about people who have their lives together and who offer meaningful advice appeals to me. In fact, I’d almost go so far as to say that 2018 has been the year of self-help books. Whoops. *shrug*

But so much of what he has to say [in an intentionally passionate, witty, and meaningful way] is *so* on par with the changes I’m trying to get my ass up and accomplish this year.

Part of what I love, though, about his book is that he has pauses for action. There are activities that provoke thought and really force you to get your ideas, your obstacles, your fears, and your heart onto a piece of paper that you can control, that you can hold, that you can revise, that you can own. 

One of the questions the reader is asked to consider is “what deep rooted vales are associated with your productivity goals?” Or more simply, “what are the deep dirty reasons you want to be more productive?”
“what is it all for?”

And for a minute, I stopped, because this essentially begs the question:
“What are you going to make room for in your life?”

Well that’s easy, I thought. More important things!

But what even *are* those more important things? Are they even *things* at all?

And then it was there, the question poking the back of my prefrontal cortex:

What is the goal of life?
What is the *reason*?

I’ve spent the past 12 some-odd years in school, told that I’d have a better chance of getting a job, so I could have a place to live, and make money to support myself and then live life.

But… what comes next?

What else? 

And I completely understand having to pay my dues along the way. The fact of life is that life costs money. School is expensive. I should probably eat food and have a place to live. I understand that more now than ever before, as I’m currently the sole contributor to my school and housing.

But I realized that there’s so much besides financial stability/freedom I want to focus on along the way. Things like:

  • freedom to have time to do meaningful things
  • cultivating relationships
  • emotional stability
  • building knowledge/experience/learning
  • cultivating creativity
  • embracing minimalism
  • cultivating discipline
  • embracing travel!

These are the things that I want to be working on as I do my best to be productive in the more *required* sectors of adulthood, school, and ultimately my career as myself.

I definitely didn’t mean for this post to be gushing about Chris Bailey but *shrug*
I just had to share because I think so much of my original plans and goals have been just those–
And that by moving into the new year, with the right mindset and right people surrounding me, I hope to find some peace, discipline, and the best relationships to grow into, and grow from.


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