the Selfish Years

selfish years (1)

I found this while scrolling along in my social media sphere. The first sentence caught me off-guard, and for a minute I didn’t quite know what to think.

I thought about how I’m in school, trying to do all of the things I need to do to advance my skills and graduate with a flippin expensive piece of paper.

I got lost in the thoughts of my obligations– going here, doing this, leading this, submitting that, wishing that if there were just a little more time in the day I could do each thing better, fuller, with more love.

I thought about leaving my house so many times a couple years back after school, in the evenings, just to get away and do and see and overcompensate for not having my own set of wheels (or a license, for that matter).

What if my entire teens have been selfish?

The thought. It just sits there like a dirty pile of laundry at the back of my head.

But I think about the growth. I can’t possibly capture in one post the ways that I have felt this train moving forward, despite the missing railroad ties and obstacles and late schedules.

am immersing myself in everything possible (perhaps to my detriment but here we are lol).

I’m getting more selfish of my time every day, it feels like. But not in a way  that’s like, hoarding a pile of money. It’s in little ways, like learning to say “no” to things that aren’t in my sweet spot of worth for time and energy investments, choosing importance over urgency, and having the courage to draw that boundary line between myself and the “emergencies” of others. It wasn’t easy. Heck, it still isn’t. …But here we are.

FRUCK I want to travel again. I applied to a study abroad program I know I won’t be able to afford (and promptly headed right over to apply for the scholarships).

I’m trying to let myself explore new things. Inside and outside the classroom, new habits (like being on time LOL “how’s that working out for ya steph?”, new routines, new music**… ) It’s a very dynamic time.

**the end of this post shall feature some new music that’s been on my heart lately 

I feel like my love is a rubber band, stretching out and relaxing, ebbing and flowing with every interaction but the important part is that it’s being regulated, held closer to my chest.

Not touching the ground is quite the attractive thought. Easy to do when you’re constantly running place to place. But what if, in some instances, you wish to be grounded, solid in your footing and certain in your next step?

 

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