october has too many birthdays

Simply put, I do not know where the time has gone.

Between 19 credit hours, 3.5 means of employment, leadership roles, an almost hurricane, and dealing with all of the pitfalls [insect-related or otherwise] of this stupid apartment I have not been able to sit in a hot minute and spew words into this space as freely and as frequently as I have in the recent past, a past that feels more distant than last Christmas.

As the storm of these weeks has passed/passes overhead, I have made some observations, realizations, and decisions about my personal growth, wellbeing, and other uncategorized things.

I felt myself drawn back to picking up the book The Productivity Project, and reading excerpts of it on the bus to and from work and class. I found myself saying “no” to things that don’t appeal to my interest or concept of value more than 90%.

I found myself attending a workshop entitled “Success or Burnout” in the hopes that I could learn something useful about the dangerous line I walk between being productively busy and spread way too thin. I did learn something, and it’s something I think about every day— it’s about not living your life in a constant state of urgency [as I often do] and being aware that you have the choice to do what you want to do.

You get to choose between the important and the urgent, and you get to discern: what’s urgent is not always important, and vice versa.

I thought this served as a really nice, gentle wake up call. It made me add due dates to my to-do lists so I’m not running around completing tasks like a headless chicken lacking context in my work.

And I found myself taking the extra steps at night to make sure I was ready for morning, drinking more coffee [but then realizing I was drinking too much coffee and trying to scale back to tea,] and fitting in more time to read.

I found [find] myself constantly wondering if I’m taking enough time for myself [I know I’m not] and putting study time in multiple hour blocks on my calendar for Saturdays.

And then I find myself not eating enough, not feeling hungry, not having time to eat, and essentially falling into a whole vicious cycle.

I find myself showing up, because according to whoever, “showing up is half the battle!” Yeah well so are weapons and game plans and armor that make up the other 50% of the battle but those, conveniently, get swept under the rug, hidden away so all that’s left is caffeinated evenings and droopy eyelid distractions amidst a sea of pseudo-engaged learners, and feeling the passion slowly leave your fingertips as the worries of the day chase you around your head.

I find myself thinking “if only this week could be over *THEN*…” maybe JUST then I can catch up, I can “get my life together”, I can devote more time to this, I can afford this bill, I can reach that goal, and it just goes on. In an upward climb that’s a losing battle.

And then I step back and think “well heck! That’s no way to live!” And I make to-do lists and watch Ted-Talks and read books and then it fades. A week later, it fades like fake watercolor pigment that a child gets for Christmas on sub-par printer paper.

It’s a feeling of feeling temporarily stuck, tires spinning in anticipation of AAA to show up.

You feel?

thoughts on this post

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