on "finding yourself"

There are some days when I wake up thinking “what the heck have I done/am I doing/am I going to do?”
Some days I can’t recognize myself in the mirror because I’m hiding behind everyone else’s plans, views, ideas, opinions.
There are those times where I would just like to go into the forest with nothing but clothes, a pillow, my notebook and a good book, to escape where time doesn’t matter and no one is frazzled about my whereabouts.
There are days where, yes, I feel lost. Where identity is a concept forgotten like the name of the person you just met at a friend’s gathering you really didn’t want to be at.

And it’s with every day that I realize there’s a whole lot more to this whole cinematic ideal of “finding yourself”. More than experimenting with camera angles and shades of matte and jeans so mom-like that if you took a “hip-grunge” polaroid, someone would think you hopped decades.

This summer has brought a lot, and there’s still tons to go. But it’s definitely shown me that “finding one’s self” is not this gigantic experience that falls out of the sky and hits you on the head. In fact, it’s less finding and searching and more stopping and observing. At least, in my experience thus far.

[This could change of course, watch this space, it’s part of the fun. I’m prepared.]

The things that pop up like new notifications forcing you to engage, look deeper and pick apart what is actually there to form a new picture, a new perspective.

My boss has an unrealistic expectation for people to routinely make room for his larger-than-life ego. 
I don’t actually have time for half of the things I want to do. 
I didn’t realize this was toxic.
I’m not as great of a teacher as I thought. 
I don’t *actually* need this. 
This is really boring.
…and this is too fake/vague/empty.
What do I really want?
I spend too much time worrying about what other people think.

I’m in charge of my own happiness.
I can’t fit into a uniform aesthetic 
…because my life is far too vibrant and colourful. 
I deserve better than I think I do.
I am competent and capable. 

It’s thoughts like these that have helped me rethink, re-examine, and re-evaluate some moves. Thoughts that rein me in from the running I think will numb it all and instead direct me towards re-orienting and shifting what’s in my mind’s mirror.

Cheers to looking more inward and upward this summer 💚

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