Coming "Home"

This is weird.

I haven’t been here since August 24th.

It’s like I’m in a limbo of sorts– home isn’t foreign to me yet, as I expected it would be, but I find that I miss the university incredibly.

My brother is getting confirmed this weekend, it’s my parent’s anniversary, and it was the first and possibly only chance I’d get to see my middle brother perform his whole marching band show.
So I came home.

I didn’t anticipate these feelings, though.

I went to a high school football game feeling like a stranger.  I had unpleasant dreams in my own bed.  I’ve felt a sort of lonely I haven’t felt in a long time.

It feels as if the colors are dull. One of my friends wrote an article about coming home so soon after leaving for college and how it was so easy to slip into old habits, old mindsets…

I was excited to see my family (and my puppies!) for the first time in 3-4ish weeks, time seemed to fly by. And I know I’ll only be here a total of 3 days (heck, I leave tomorrow) but I already feel homesick.

For my new home. My new friends. My new sense of drive and purpose.

I spent a huge portion of my time today in bed.  Neglecting work. Watching movies with my little sister in my old room that is now a mess since my sisters have taken it over.  Not that there’s anything wrong with bonding with my little sister over movies we haven’t quite seen before, but I felt too comfortable, and it felt odd.
The atmosphere of my room feels empty, sad, dark.  (This might have something to do with the fact that I took a ton of stuff with me, and that there’s no real light source in the room anymore– the headboard lamp I could so easily switch on from a reclined position in bed has vanished, leaving me to sit in piles of dusty anxiety and cluttered memories.)

I also miss eating whenever I want.  With certain life circumstances right now, grazing freely at any and all hours of the day is not exactly smiled upon.

I miss taking walks at night and talking with my suite mates until the wee hours of morning. I miss the fast wifi and engaging professors and stunning sunsets that catch me off guard as I stumble full of spinach from the dining hall.

It might be because I couldn’t, for the longest time, wait to leave. To start over.  To finally break free of everything pressing down on me and rebuild everything.

Coming back feels like I’m pulling off the bricks I just learned to lay.

Coming back feels like leaving home.

One thought on “Coming "Home"

  1. Hi Stephanie,
    I'm in a similar position right now. Being at home was such as struggle for me. Long story short, I couldn't wait to start university. I love the life I 'm living now an the fact that I've had the chance to start over. I haven't been back home yet, but I'm going back next week. The thing is, I'm not even excited to be going back, all I keep thinking about is all the plans I've made for when I get to go back to uni.
    I loved this blog post especially the last line!


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