I’m inserting a break into the summer blogging challenge posts.
I’m writing this currently annoyed, though I know it’ll pass.
I finally got my AP exam scores back… And they were not what I was expecting. Save one score.
Though, I don’t know what I was expecting, especially after the wave of apathy that hit me over the back end of senior year.
And all at once viewing some numbers on a webpage, I was upset and beating myself up for it… Not only because I felt I had failed terribly, but because I was semi coerced into viewing scores because of J, who had just viewed his.
And I know you’re supposed to be like “oh, it’s a race against yourself, don’t worry about other people” but honestly, I couldn’t help but compare my scores to his infinitely better ones.
And it hurt– especially because we did the same amount of prep for one exam– together, no less.
So I guess I was a bit miffed when his numbers were better than mine.
But then I took a minute and zoomed out.
Sure, this means I’ll have to take a couple classes I thought I wouldn’t need to in college.
Sure, I’ll probably have to tell my parents (or not, we’ll see) and they’ll say I didn’t study hard enough, or whatever.
But those test scores are based on a human, sitting in a room, bubbling in answer sheets one after another, early in the morning, for the third time that week.
They don’t control who I am as a person. They don’t measure me in my complete complexity. And I had to point out to myself that what will actually end up measuring my life
Are things like my career, doing someone I love, life long friends, who I marry, any kids I have… Vacations, jobs, and happiness. Not some dumb accelerated test I took in high school.
Sometimes I have to remind myself to keep my perception of “failure” in check. It helps keep room in your head for what is important.