So I had revelation in the shower today.
Okay, not quite.
But I did realize something.
I’m one of those people who can’t shower or do much of anything without music playing– it’s such an integral part of my life.
As much as I love listening to favorite songs over and over, I’ve decided it’s not a good thing. …After a certain amount of times, anyways. I’ve found my mind clouded with the same lyrics, which bring up the same trains of thought, which bring up the same feelings, which can be a little annoying, especially if they’re feelings I’m trying to let go of or things that I’m trying to forget.
So I put on iTunes radio, the Five for Fighting station. Not only am I exposed to oldies I haven’t heard in like, forever, I’m exposed to new jams and lyrics that open my ears and release my mind from the protected bubble of the some 59 songs I have on my phone.
But moral of the story, I heard a good song today with interesting lyrics that I liked. I’ve never listened really to Sister Hazel before, and I have to say it sends me back to the country-loving corner of my brain while still keeping a foot in the modern, poppy-world. It’s called “Change Your Mind” and this verse and chorus stuck out to me:
If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining, just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no, take it all in
The world’s a show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow
I feel like I can connect with this feeling lately. I wanted change. I wanted new, I wanted to start over. New year, new me, and all that, right?
Sometimes, in the struggle to be new, be changed, be at the beginning again, I think we have a tendency to lose ourselves.
Last night when I was jamming out and revamping my blog, creating the header art… I took comfort when I was able to use my favorite color (lime green) and a version of a hot pink together. Those two colors used to be my favorite color combination growing up, but as I aged I was told that they clashed, they looked ugly together, that they were too bright and too tacky.
And honestly, I’ve noticed the same thing happen in my life. You’re too short. Those shoes look weird. Why do you talk so much. You’re too happy all the time.
Not to mention the unspoken pressures such as the need to be skinny, to have flawless makeup just to leave your house, to have the perfect social media feed, to have the latest fashions in your closet…
My lime green and electric pink turned to the solemn, subdued tones of the forest leaves and the minimalist, moody shades of maroon.
Half the music on my phone is music that is either popular or recommended to me by someone else. My conversations regarding college are tailored to the ears of the listener. And with every word I can feel myself dimming under the disapproval and rejection, as if nothing is mine anymore.
Maybe that’s why this spoke to me. Seeking solace in the attempt to become someone I’m not isn’t the answer, I know it isn’t, and I’m working to change that.
Who is to dictate what’s cool to listen to
what’s cool to wear
what’s worth supporting
what college is good to apply to?
(I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “whee.”)
I’ve decided that I’m gonna do an overhaul of the music on my phone… find new stuff, dig back up the good oldies, blast the stuff I like to listen to. Apply to schools I want to apply to. Preach what I like to follow. Wear what I want to wear. And I’ve decided to be bluntly honest with people. Because fake people annoy the hell out of me, and one thing the world doesn’t need more of isshallow, porcelain perfection. The more I can deviate from “the norm” and “what’s cool”, the better.
Because you know what’s cool?
danc[ing] in the rain
thank[ing] the sun
Just for shining, just for shining
[and] the sea?
[taking] it all in
And glowing. Definitely glowing.
Glowing obnoxious hues of pink and green.